By Lauren DelGandio, Seth Eisenberg, Amanda Falciglia, Rachel Schindler
Their eyes still sparkle with the innocence of youth; their eager smiles and endearing manners invite understanding and empathy. For many of these children, behind their eyes, smiles and natural charm are traumatic images, memories, and anxieties that rob them daily of the carefree joys of childhood. These children do not live in Haiti or anywhere else that is the focus of global campaigns for urgent public support, rescue and contribution. They live in Miami-Dade’s Liberty City, minutes from Florida’s southern capitals of relative wealth, abundance, and extravagance.
Over the past month, a team of instructors and research staff from PAIRS Foundation had the privilege of working with the fourth and fifth graders of Liberty City Elementary School, sharing practical skills and strategies for better understanding themselves and others, deepening empathy, expressing emotions, resolving differences and conflicts, and caring for the relationships they cherish.
Even in the worst of times, most residents of Miami-Dade and nearby Monroe, Broward, and Palm Beach counties enjoy resources and opportunities unimaginable for the courageous children of Liberty City. In Liberty City, America’s promise of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness is challenged daily by crime, violence, drugs, abuse, neglect, and homes void of the most basic human and material resources our children count on to build a foundation for dreams come true.
Following our Wednesday sessions with the children in the school’s media center, we spent evenings sharing expanded exercises from the PAIRS Essentials curriculum with faculty and staff who invest so much of their daily lives teaching, counseling and mentoring these youngsters. On Saturdays, we taught the curriculum to many of the children’s parents, grandparents, and adult guardians.
The story of Liberty City is likely similar to that of other highly distressed urban neighborhoods closeted within and on the outskirts of our nation’s major metropolitan areas. From Miami to Atlanta, New Orleans, Washington, DC, Baltimore, Philadelphia, New York, Chicago, Dallas, Los Angeles and elsewhere, millions of America’s youngsters are leaping from infancy to adolescence and adulthood with fleeting moments, at best, of childhood experiences that are fundamental to healthy human development.
From our first interactions, these children enthusiastically embraced the opportunity to be heard and to listen with their hearts to the human experiences of their classmates. Many found the courage to stand before their peers to share their deepest fears and concerns; others spoke quietly to instructors or privately sketched out their feelings in colors and text on worksheets.
They commonly shared longing for absent parents, fears of being shot, stabbed, raped and abused, but also of joys for simple pleasures, such as a new pair of shoes, someone who cares about or believes in them, a chance to celebrate Christmas, the confidence of “becoming someone,” gratitude for friendships, and consistently, their appreciation for being truly heard.
Our future as a nation is inextricably linked to how we respond today to the urgent challenges of America’s Liberty City children. Whether or not these boys and girls grow up to become a danger to themselves and others, incarcerated, addicted, forever dependent on welfare and public support, or productive citizens able to meaningfully, passionately and competently pursue their potential and the promise of America is in our hands as much as their own.
Beyond the work of dedicated teachers, empowering children and their parents with skills to speak, listen, and be heard are critical building blocks for their future and ours. Many of them have witnessed challenges and misfortunes beyond their understanding, creating worlds within them in which the horrors of violence, death and abuse may become their expectations of life rather than the tragic exceptions.
Our hope is to continue working with the children of Liberty City by training exemplary students from neighboring high schools to regularly spend time with these youngsters, reinforcing relationship building skills, mentoring and coaching, helping them discover the miracles of each of their lives, and more capably pursue their enormous potential and the promise of America.
PAIRS Foundation, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit, is one of the nation’s oldest and leading providers of relationship skills training. In 2006, the organization received a multi-year federal grant from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families, to provide marriage education and relationship skills training to adults and high school students in Miami-Dade, Broward and Palm Beach counties, and to conduct research. Services to the parents of the Liberty City Elementary School children were made possible by this grant and the support of Miami-Dade County Public Schools. Learn more at www.pairs.com.
Sixteen teachers, administrators, and staff members of Liberty City Elementary School completed the nine-hour PAIRS Essentials training. In follow-up evaluations, 100% said they would recommend PAIRS, 94% said they wanted to participate in additional PAIRS classes, and 100% rated the instructors as “Excellent,” the highest level.
Comments in their evaluations included:
- “The information presented in PAIRS will help me to become a better communicator in my personal and professional life.”
- “I feel the information I have learned will better my relationship with my husband and my family.”
- “PAIRS will assist me in being a better communicator with my students in the classroom, with my children and my spouse.”
- “The information provided was most enlightening and will be quite useful in the classroom!”
- “PAIRS has enabled me think more about what I hope to achieve when I have a complaint while considering the other persons point of view.”
- “I feel PAIRS has given me the tools to recognize problem areas and to stop repeating the cycle.”
- “The information and skills provided will help me build better relationships with my loved ones, colleagues, and everyone I meet.”
- “The program really allows a person to take a step back and look at themselves and how they can better their relationships.”
- “PAIRS has given me tools to use with my students and colleges at work, and in my personal life and relationships.”
- “I really enjoyed learning how to be an effective communicator, listener, as well as how to appreciate and love others for their differences and uniqueness.”
- “I thank you for what you are doing with PAIRS; more people need to know about you guys!”
- “The information and skills will empower me by enabling me to effectively communicate my wants and needs to others.”
Fatherhood Marriage Education PAIRS Foundation Press Releases Amanda Falciglia Children Learn What They Live Lauren DelGandio Liberty City Elementary School nonprofits active in America's inner cities opportunities for student mentors PAIRS Essentials PAIRS Foundation preventing teen pregnancy Rachel Schindler relationship skills training Seth Eisenberg strategies for reducing incarceration rates Strengthening South Florida Families Project teaching teenagers to mentor elementary school students The children of Liberty City
What is PAIRS?
Intimacy is critical to the process of developing and sustaining close relationships, now a major concern in our culture. Modernization has shifted the primary function of marriage from providing security, stability, and raising children to developing a lifetime of love and intimacy. In previous generations successful marriages depended upon duty and role competence. Modern marriages require greater interpersonal competence as well as equality between partners. Relationships are sought that not only create stable families but also provide partners with a lifetime of love and companionship.
The PAIRS (Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills) programs, developed by Lori H. Gordon, Ph.D., provide a comprehensive system to enhance self-knowledge and to develop the ability to sustain pleasurable intimate relationships. Gordon's approach integrates a wide range of theories and methods from psychology, education and psychotherapy and presents them in an educational format. PAIRS acts to bridge therapy, marital enrichment, and marriage and family development.
Programs: Courses and Workshops
PAIRS offers programs to the public led by PAIRS Trained Professionals (licensed health care professionals), and PAIRS Instructors (certified clergy and educators), trained under the auspices and supervision of Gordon and the PAIRS Foundation, the organization that officially oversees PAIRS programs, products and licensing worldwide. There are PTPs and facilitators around the world. Check “Finding an Educator” to find one near you or near one you love who may need PAIRS.
PAIRS is effective in all populations for which it has been adapted. PAIRS has relationship skills training programs for children and youth, PAIRS for PEERS, that are taught in schools, churches and agencies. PAIRS has programs for the Military, for use by chaplains and family service workers. PAIRS has faith-based programs for the Jewish, Catholic, and Christian church communities. PAIRS is currently developing programs and program delivery systems for disadvantaged youth, unmarried families, single parents, domestic violence, prison parolees, and related groups who can benefit from relationship skills training. PAIRS provides a vital ingredient to build stable marriages and healthy families with more hopeful futures for children. These programs for special groups will be taught by local agency workers and by specially trained community teachers and mentors. Research on PAIRS has demonstrated that PAIRS works for all groups under all circumstances evaluated. PAIRS is a modern technology adapted to our rapidly changing society in behalf of creating a saner, safer more loving world.
What you will learn in PAIRS
Sustaining a pleasurable intimate relationship does not work by magic. It depends upon a set of skills and understanding that can be learned. We learned most of what we know about intimate relationships through our early experiences in our families. Our personal history has a great deal of influence on what happens in our current relationships - on our behavior, our feelings, our expectations. We can change these influences if we become aware of them and wish to. It is well worthwhile to sort through what we inherited, keeping what fits for today and changing what does not.
PAIRS Competencies are specific skills that you will learn from PAIRS. These competencies focus in three areas: 1) emotional literacy; 2) conjoint partner skills for building and maintaining intimacy; and 3) practical knowledge, strategies and attitudes for sustaining positive marriage and family life. You may click on the above links to see a listing of the skills taught in PAIRS.
The Goal of PAIRS is a relationship that both partners can live with joyfully. For this to happen, each partner must become able to identify his or her own feelings and needs, and learn to communicate them in such a way that they can get met. This means communicating one's needs and desires without making the other partner feel resentful, smothered, burdened, manipulated, or inadequate. Easily and fully meeting each others' needs is the foundation of intimacy, fulfillment, and happiness.
PAIRS teaches specific easily learnable tools for successful communication such as confiding, complaining, and clarifying and for effective problems solving such as managing anger, expressing anger safely, fighting fairly for change and eliminating dirty fighting. PAIRS also guides the vast deepening of self-knowledge and develops emotional literacy. PAIRS addresses pleasure and satisfaction by teaching skills to enhance bonding, sensuality and sexuality in marriage. PAIRS teaches a profound but simple model, the Relationship Roadmap, to understand relationship success and to understand relationship mishaps and know what to do about them. PAIRS teaches over 60 skills that, after PAIRS, become the participants' PAIRS Tool Box for ongoing relationship maintenance.