Breakups can be incredibly painful for several reasons, both emotional and psychological, says Seth Eisenberg, a licensed PAIRS relationship coach and author of PAIRS Essentials. Eisenberg said nearly half of couples who attend premarital counseling breakup because the experience helps them discover more about the long-term potential for their relationship. On the other hand, couples who complete PAIRS training before or early in their marriage have greater marital satisfaction, stability, and longevity.
Why is breaking up so painful? Eisenberg explains:
1. Attachment and Loss: When we form deep emotional bonds with someone, our brains release chemicals like oxytocin and dopamine that create feelings of attachment and pleasure. When that bond is broken, especially abruptly or unexpectedly, it can lead to a sense of loss and grief.
2. Identity and Self-Worth: Relationships often play a significant role in shaping our identity and sense of self-worth. A breakup can challenge our self-perception and lead to feelings of rejection or inadequacy.
3. Change and Uncertainty: Breakups disrupt our daily routines, future plans, and social circles. They can leave us feeling uncertain about the future and our place in it, which can contribute to anxiety and distress.
4. Social Support and Belonging: Relationships provide a sense of companionship and belonging. Losing that connection can lead to feelings of loneliness and isolation, especially if one feels they have lost a support system.
5. Memories and Triggers: Shared experiences, memories, and places can act as triggers that bring back intense emotions associated with the relationship, making it harder to move on.Understanding these factors can help people navigate the pain of a breakup with self-compassion and seek support when needed.
Four Tips to Get Over Someone After a Breakup
Eisenberg has four tips to help get over someone after a breakup:
1. Allow Yourself to Grieve and Process Emotions: It’s important to give yourself permission to feel and process your emotions rather than suppressing them. This involves acknowledging the pain, sadness, anger, or other feelings that come with the breakup. For example, journaling about your emotions or talking with a trusted friend can provide an outlet for expression.Why it works: “Emotions need to be processed for healing to occur. By allowing yourself to grieve, you validate your feelings and gradually come to terms with the end of the relationship,” explains Eisenberg.
2. Create Distance and Limit Contact: Limiting contact with your ex-partner, at least initially, can help in moving forward. This might mean unfollowing them on social media, avoiding places you used to go together, or setting boundaries around communication. For instance, if you share mutual friends, you might need to be selective about social gatherings to avoid unnecessary reminders.Why it works: “Distance creates space for healing and reduces the likelihood of reopening emotional wounds. It allows you to focus on yourself and your own recovery without constant reminders of the past,” Eisenberg says.
3. Focus on Self-Care and Rediscovery: Invest time and energy in activities that nurture your well-being and personal growth. This can include hobbies you enjoy, exercise, self-reflection, or exploring new interests. For example, taking up a new hobby like painting or joining a fitness class can provide a positive outlet for energy.Why it works: Eisenberg says, “Self-care promotes resilience and self-esteem. Engaging in activities that bring joy and fulfillment helps shift focus away from the breakup and reaffirms your sense of identity outside of the relationship.”
4. Seek Support from Friends and Family: Surround yourself with supportive friends and family members who can offer encouragement, empathy, and practical assistance. Share your feelings with them and lean on their support during difficult moments. For instance, scheduling regular outings with friends or attending family gatherings can provide a sense of belonging and comfort.Why it works: “Social support provides emotional validation, reduces feelings of isolation, and offers perspective,” Eisenberg explains. “Trusted loved ones can offer insights, distraction, and reassurance as you navigate the healing process.”
Eisenberg says following these tips will help you heal and grow after a breakup. Each encourages self-compassion, emotional processing, and the gradual adjustment to life without the relationship.
Importance of Self-Care and Self-Love After a Breakup
“Practicing self-care and self-love is crucial when trying to get over someone because it helps you heal emotionally, rebuild your self-esteem, and regain a sense of control over your life,” Eisenberg says. Here are some reasons he says it’s important and some advice on how to do it:
1. Emotional Healing: Self-care activities can provide comfort and distraction, helping to soothe emotional pain and reduce stress.
2. Rebuilding Self-Esteem: Focusing on self-love helps you reconnect with your worth and value, which might be shaken after a breakup.
3. Preventing Negative Coping Mechanisms: Prioritizing self-care reduces the likelihood of engaging in harmful behaviors, such as excessive drinking or isolating oneself.
4. Rediscovering Joy: Engaging in activities you love helps you find joy and purpose, reminding you that happiness can come from within.
5. Developing Resilience: Regular self-care practices build emotional resilience, making it easier to handle future challenges and setbacks.Ten Steps for Loving Yourself After a Breakup
1. Create a Routine: Establish a daily routine that includes activities you enjoy and that nurture your body and mind. This could include exercise, meditation, reading, or hobbies.
2. Stay Connected: Spend time with supportive friends and family who uplift you. Social connections are vital for emotional well-being.
3. Practice Mindfulness and Meditation: These practices help you stay present and reduce anxiety about the future or regret about the past.
4. Set Goals: Focus on personal goals and projects that excite you. Achieving these can boost your confidence and give you a sense of accomplishment.
5. Treat Yourself: Allow yourself small indulgences, like a spa day, a favorite meal, or a new book. These treats can lift your spirits.
6. Journal: Writing down your thoughts and feelings can be a powerful way to process emotions and gain clarity.
7. Seek Professional Support: Consider talking to a therapist or counselor who can provide guidance and support tailored to your specific situation.
8. Practice Gratitude: Each day, write down things you are grateful for. This can shift your focus from what’s missing to what you have.
9. Stay Active: Physical activity releases endorphins, which can improve your mood and overall sense of well-being.
10. Limit Social Media: Reduce time on social media, especially if it triggers negative emotions or comparisons.“By prioritizing self-care and self-love, you invest in your emotional health, which is essential for moving forward and eventually opening yourself up to new, healthy relationships,” says Eisenberg.
Why It Might Be Beneficial to Get Rid of Reminders After a Breakup
Deciding whether to get rid of physical reminders of someone you’re trying to get over depends on your emotional response to those items and what feels healthiest for your healing process. Here are some reasons Eisenberg suggests it might be beneficial and a few considerations:
1. Emotional Closure: Removing physical reminders can symbolize the end of a chapter, helping you mentally and emotionally move on.
2. Reducing Triggers: Seeing reminders of your ex can trigger memories and emotions that make it harder to heal. Removing these items can reduce these emotional triggers.
3. Creating a Fresh Start: Clearing out old items can help create a new, positive environment, allowing you to focus on yourself and your future.
4. Regaining Space: Physically decluttering your space can lead to a sense of mental decluttering, promoting a healthier mindset.Considerations
1. Timing: Don’t rush the process. It’s okay to take your time deciding what to keep or let go of. The right time to clear out items varies from person to person.
2. Significant Items: Some items might have value beyond the relationship, such as gifts that are useful or items that have sentimental value unrelated to the relationship. Decide if these items are worth keeping.
3. Temporary Storage: If you’re not ready to make permanent decisions, consider packing away items in a box and storing them out of sight. Revisit them later when you feel more emotionally ready.
4. Emotional Readiness: Assess your feelings before taking action. If getting rid of items feels too painful, it might be better to wait until you feel more emotionally prepared.
5. Support System: Enlist the help of a trusted friend or family member to help you go through items. Their support can make the process easier and provide an objective perspective.Practical Steps
1. Sort Items: Categorize items into what you want to keep, store, donate, or discard.
2. Create New Memories: Replace old photos and mementos with new ones that reflect your current life and interests.
3. Redecorate: Consider changing the layout or decor of your space to signify a fresh start.
4. Digital Clean-Up: Don’t forget to address digital reminders, such as photos on your phone or social media connections. You might choose to archive photos and unfollow or mute the person on social media.Ultimately, the goal is to create an environment that supports your healing and helps you move forward. Listen to your emotions and take the steps that feel right for you.
Boosting Self-Confidence and Self-Esteem After a Breakup
Eisenberg says, “Boosting your self-confidence and self-esteem while getting over someone is crucial because it helps you rebuild your sense of self-worth, fosters emotional resilience, and empowers you to move forward in a healthy way.” Here are some tips he suggests for boosting self-confidence and self-esteem, along with the reasons why this is important:
1. Emotional Resilience: Higher self-esteem makes it easier to handle the emotional ups and downs of a breakup.
2. Positive Outlook: Confidence in yourself helps you maintain a positive outlook, which is essential for healing and attracting positive experiences.
3. Independence: Building self-esteem encourages self-reliance and reduces the likelihood of seeking validation from others.
4. Healthy Relationships: Improved self-confidence can lead to healthier relationships in the future, as you are more likely to set boundaries and communicate effectively.Ten Tips to Boosting Self-Confidence and Self-Esteem
1. Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with kindness and understanding. Acknowledge your feelings without judgment and remind yourself that it’s okay to feel hurt and to take time to heal.
2. Set Achievable Goals: Accomplishing small, manageable goals can provide a sense of achievement and boost your confidence. Celebrate these successes, no matter how minor they may seem.
3. Engage in Activities You Enjoy: Pursue hobbies and activities that make you happy and bring you a sense of fulfillment. This can help distract you from negative thoughts and reinforce your sense of identity outside the relationship.
4. Exercise Regularly: Physical activity releases endorphins, which improve your mood and overall sense of well-being. Exercise also helps you feel stronger and more capable.
5. Surround Yourself with Positive People: Spend time with friends and family who support and uplift you. Positive social interactions can improve your self-esteem and provide a sense of belonging.
6. Learn Something New: Taking up a new hobby or learning a new skill can give you a sense of accomplishment and help you build confidence in your abilities.
7. Maintain a Healthy Routine: Establish a daily routine that includes regular sleep, balanced nutrition, and self-care activities. A stable routine can provide structure and a sense of normalcy.
8. Practice Gratitude: Focus on the positive aspects of your life by keeping a gratitude journal. Writing down things you are thankful for can shift your focus from what you’ve lost to what you have.
9. Seek Professional Support: Consider talking to a therapist or counselor who can help you work through your emotions and develop strategies to boost your self-esteem.
10. Challenge Negative Thoughts: Identify and challenge negative self-talk. Replace it with positive affirmations and remind yourself of your strengths and accomplishments.By taking these steps, you can gradually rebuild your self-confidence and self-esteem, which will not only help you get over someone but also enhance your overall well-being and prepare you for future relationships, Eisenberg says.
Factors Affecting Recovery Time After a Breakup
The time it takes to get over someone can range widely, often from 6 months to 2 years, but this varies greatly based on several factors, explains Eisenberg. Key factors include:
1. Length of the Relationship:
• Longer relationships typically require more time to heal due to the deeper emotional investment.
• Shorter relationships might take less time to get over, though this is not always the case.
2. Depth of Emotional Connection:
• The intensity of the emotional bond and the level of intimacy shared can significantly impact recovery time. A deeply connected relationship can take longer to heal from.
3. How the Breakup Happened:
• Mutual vs. One-Sided: A mutual breakup might be easier to process compared to one where one person is blindsided or unwilling to end the relationship.
• Amicable vs. Contentious: Breakups that end on friendly terms may result in a faster recovery than those that end in anger, betrayal, or unresolved conflict.
4. Who Initiated the Breakup:
• The person who initiates the breakup often has more time to mentally and emotionally prepare for the end, which can shorten their recovery time.
• The person being broken up with may experience a longer healing period due to feelings of rejection or surprise.
5. Support System:
• Having a strong support system of friends, family, or a therapist can aid in the healing process and potentially shorten recovery time.
• Isolation or lack of support can prolong the recovery period.
6. Personal Coping Mechanisms:
• People who have healthy coping strategies (e.g., exercise, hobbies, journaling) may recover more quickly.
• Those who struggle with coping mechanisms or who turn to negative behaviors (e.g., substance abuse) may take longer to heal.
7. Previous Experiences and Attachment Styles:
• Individuals with secure attachment styles and positive past relationship experiences might find it easier to move on.
• Those with anxious or avoidant attachment styles, or who have had traumatic past relationships, might take longer to recover.
8. Life Circumstances:
• Major life changes (e.g., moving to a new city, starting a new job) can either help distract and expedite recovery or add to the stress and prolong the healing process.
9. Personal Resilience and Mental Health:
• A person’s overall resilience and mental health condition can significantly influence how long it takes to get over someone. People with a generally positive outlook and good mental health may recover faster.Tips for Healing After a Breakup
1. Allow Yourself to Grieve: It’s important to acknowledge your feelings and give yourself permission to grieve the loss of the relationship.
2. Engage in Self-Care: Prioritize activities that promote your well-being, such as exercise, healthy eating, and adequate sleep.
3. Stay Connected: Lean on friends and family for support. Social connections can provide comfort and perspective.
4. Seek Professional Help: If you’re struggling to cope, consider talking to a therapist or counselor who can offer guidance and support.
5. Focus on Personal Growth: Use this time to pursue hobbies, set new goals, and explore interests that make you happy and fulfilled.
6. Limit Contact with Your Ex: Minimizing contact can help create emotional distance and make it easier to move on.Everyone’s healing process is unique. Be patient with yourself and take the time you need to recover.
Resources
The Painful Truth About Breakups | JED (jedfoundation.org)
8 Ways to Feel Better After a Breakup (verywellmind.com)
Breaking Up: How to End a Relationship Respectfully (for Teens) | Nemours KidsHealth
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