Jim Brown, dead at 87, will be remembered by many for his anger
Summary
Jim Brown was a superstar athlete, actor and advocate. He’ll be remembered by many for his anger. In his memory, learn these anger rituals.
“I can definitely get angry, and I have taken that anger out inappropriately in the past,”
Jim Brown, Los Angeles Jail
To many, Jim Brown, who died Thursday at the age of 87, was considered the greatest athlete of the 20th century. Today, however, as we remember the superstar football player, entertaining Hollywood actor, and tireless activist, many are even more aware of Jim Brown’s anger problems.
“I can definitely get angry, and I have taken that anger out inappropriately in the past,” Jim Brown told Sports Illustrated in an interview last year at the Los Angeles jail, where he was serving a four-month sentence. “But I have done so with both men and women.”
“So do I have a problem with women?” Brown added in the interview. “No. I have had anger, and I’ll probably continue to have anger. I just have to not strike out at anyone ever again.”
Tragic anger problem
How tragic that Brown, at least off the turf, never had a chance to discover ways to release his anger without hurting himself or others. If he learned, those lessons came too late in life to keep from staining his incredible athletic legacy.
Much of why Jim Brown and others didn’t get the help they needed and deserved is because many people, including counselors and therapists, are uncomfortable, perhaps even terrified, of emotional intensity. It’s difficult to blame people from choosing from what they know. That doesn’t mean it’s okay. It’s not enough to say, “Don’t do that,” without showing people what to do.
Emotional intensity
Jim Brown was an emotionally intense human being, as are many others. He deserved to know how to release his anger to get to the other side, where feelings of love, pleasure and relief become possible.
The process isn’t complicated, although it has to be led by someone who is comfortable with emotional intensity.
Two anger rituals
In Jim Brown’s honor and memory, here are two “anger rituals” that can make a difference and a number to call if you’d like help. An Anger Ritual is an activity, or set of rules, that controls the way you express your anger. You and the other person have to agree to the rules of the Anger Ritual ahead of time, and set aside a limited amount of time (a few minutes) for performing the ritual: a little anger goes a long way!
Anger Ritual: Volcano
The “Volcano” is an Anger Ritual that lets you blow up without hurting yourself or the other person, so that you can safely get over your painful feelings of rage. Here’s the 7 steps of how it works.
1. Say to the other person, “I’d like to do a Volcano [if necessary, explain what that is]. Will you just listen and let me dump whatever feelings I have?”
2. The other person says “Yes,” or “Not right now, let’s do it later.” [If you are scheduling it for later, decide on a specific time, as soon as possible.]
3. Then, the other person asks, “How much time do you want?” Say how much time you’ll need. It should be brief: anywhere from 30 –60 seconds.
4. The speaker asks the listener, “How much space do you need?” The listener moves as far away as needed to be safe from swinging arms & legs.
5. Once the time starts, feel free to burst forth about all the things that are angering you, as if you were a volcano erupting. VENT! VENT! VENT! And while you’re venting, the other person listens, keeping track of the time, without interrupting.
6. The listener calls out “Time!” when it’s up, and asks “Do you need a little more time?” If so, continue, with the listener tracking the time.
7. When you finish, say, “Thanks for listening to me.” The other person then reassures you, saying something like “Thanks for telling me,” “Thanks for getting out anger this way, instead of letting it leak or spill out.”
After the Volcano, if you want to, you and the other person can either talk about one — or more — of the things you’ve just mentioned, or you can go on to do something else!
Anger Ritual: Haircut
A “Haircut” is an Anger Ritual used for expressing to another person your anger about something specific inside your relationship with that person. It prevents you from saying something you may regret to someone you care about. It’s called a “Haircut” because you are going to ask the other person to sit still while you “hack away” at them with your words. It makes you feel better right away because you let go of your painful feelings but is not fun for the other person, however, it is better than attacking them without warning. The “Haircut” can help the other person understand you better and, in the end, feel closer to you. The rules for the Haircut are similar to the rules for the Volcano. Here’s how it works:
1. Say to the other person, “I’d like to do a Haircut [if necessary, explain what that is]. Will you just listen and let me dump whatever feelings I have?”
2. The other person says “Yes,” or “Not right now, let’s do it later.” [If you are scheduling it for later, decide on a specific time, as soon as possible.]
3. Then, the other person asks, “How much time do you want?” Say how much time you’ll need. It should be brief: anywhere from 20–40 seconds.
4. The speaker asks the listener, “How much space do you need?” The listener moves as far away as needed to be safe from swinging arms and legs.
5. Once the time starts, feel free to burst forth about all the things that are angering you, as if you were a volcano erupting. VENT! VENT! VENT! And while you’re venting, the other person listens, keeping track of the time, without interrupting.
6. The listener calls out time when it’s up, asks “Do you need a little more time?” If so, continue, with the listener tracking the time.
7. When you finish, the other person says, “Thanks for telling me what upset you.” (For the moment, the other person should just be glad you let him or her know your feelings, and should not worry about explaining anything or answering back. Then you say, “Thanks for listening.”)
Always with permission
Anger rituals share common rules: They’re always with permission, time limited, and end with appreciation. That means the people we’re closest to always know that expressions of anger are going to follow those rules. That creates safety for both people.
If you have questions or would like support learning these skills, email support@pbfamilies.org or call (888) 724-7748 (888-PAIRS-4U) for online learning options.
RIP Jim Brown. May your memory be a blessing.
Seth Eisenberg is Chairman and CEO of Purpose Built Families Foundation, a multi-year CARF-accredited nonprofit delivering preventative and reparative services to address underlying causes of homelessness, poverty, addictions, and suicide, particularly for military and veteran families. Eisenberg’s PAIRS Essentials curriculum is an award-winning educational program that has been widely adopted throughout the VA and active-duty military. As a Master Trainer, Eisenberg has trained over 1,000 program facilitators and delivered classes to thousands more.