MAYDAY: The Hidden Distress Calls of Love

When a pilot faces life-threatening danger midair, one word cuts through every frequency:
Mayday.
It’s a call no one ignores — urgent, unmistakable, universal.

In nearly 30 years of working with couples, I’ve learned that relationships have their own version of a Mayday call. But unlike in aviation, most people don’t recognize the signals. And when we miss the call for help in love, the consequences are often just as devastating — emotionally, spiritually, and sometimes, for generations to come.

Recently, I met with a couple who had been married for nine years. They have two children, a dog named Lucky, and a growing silence between them that neither could name. Until he said, “I don’t even know how we got here.” And she replied, “I’ve been sending signals for years. You just never heard me.”

That hit me hard. Because I hear some version of it almost every day.

So here’s the truth most of us were never taught:
The biggest danger in relationships isn’t conflict. It’s unnoticed distress.
And those distress signals — those emotional Maydays — often sound like this:

“I’m fine.”

Translation: I’m not fine. I just don’t feel safe telling you what’s really going on.

“You never listen.”

Translation: I feel invisible. I need to know I still matter to you.

“What’s the point?”

Translation: I’m losing hope. I don’t want to give up, but I’m running out of energy.

Silence.

Translation: I’ve stopped believing anything will change.

“You always…” / “You never…”

Translation: I’m overwhelmed. I need connection, but I’m stuck in defense mode.

“Do whatever you want.”

Translation: I’ve checked out because I feel powerless to reach you.

“You’ve changed.”

Translation: I miss us. I’m grieving the connection we once had.

None of these are just words. They’re flares.

And here’s the part that still breaks my heart: most people wait until those flares become fires. They wait until they’re sleeping in separate rooms. Until their children are acting out what they can’t say. Until someone is sitting across from me in a coaching session, unsure if there’s anything left to save.

But just like in aviation, the sooner we respond to distress, the more lives we can save.

What to Do When You Hear the Mayday

If someone you love is sending emotional signals — in frustration, in silence, in repetition — don’t argue with their words. Listen for their heart.

Sit down. Make eye contact. Turn off the phone.
Ask:
“What are you feeling mad, sad, scared or glad about — and what do you wish I understood?”

Then listen. Not to fix. Not to defend. Just to be with them.

Because the real work of love isn’t in the big declarations. It’s in the tiny moments when someone’s heart says, “Mayday,” and yours replies, “I’m here. Let’s land this together.”

We all get lost in the clouds sometimes. But we don’t have to crash.

Not if we’re listening.