Why Men Are Withdrawing from Relationships — and How to Bring Them Back

When Rachel Drucker asked “Men, Where Have You Gone? Please Come Back” in The New York Times, she voiced something raw and vulnerable — not just a longing for connection, but confusion and grief over why so many women feel abandoned emotionally, relationally, and spiritually by the men in their lives.

The piece struck a nerve.

This week’s follow-up — “We’re Right Here” — offered space for men to respond. And they did, with hundreds of letters. Not as a rebuttal, but as a revealing chorus of voices finally unmuted.

What emerged wasn’t bravado or blame. It was heartbreak. Weariness. And a quiet, aching truth:

“I used to make every effort to be the man I thought women wanted. But after countless rejections and humiliations, I gave up.” — Timothy G., Denver, CO

“I didn’t disappear. I was just never seen.” — Peter H., Columbus, OH

These aren’t angry men. They’re hurting men. And in their words lies an invitation — and a warning. Because the men we keep asking to “come back” are often the same men we’ve trained to disappear.

The Cost of Being “Strong”

Many of the letters echoed a familiar pattern: try, get hurt, shut down.

“At some point, I stopped initiating. I stopped asking. I stopped reaching. The silence felt safer than the sting of being ignored or misunderstood.” — Anonymous, New York, NY

This is the emotional blueprint men have been handed for generations:
Be useful. Be strong. Be silent.
Don’t feel too much. Don’t need too much.
Definitely don’t say too much.

When men do speak from their hearts, they’re often told — sometimes subtly, sometimes not — that it’s “too much,” “too late,” or “not in the right way.”

At PAIRS, we call this the “emotional dumbbell effect” — where men are expected to lift the heaviest loads in silence while never being given a safe space to put them down.

No wonder so many walk away emotionally, even when they’re still physically present.

What Connection Really Takes

We teach that love isn’t sustained by good intentions — it’s built on skills and safety.

That means:

• Learning how to speak your truth without fear of ridicule.
• Knowing how to listen — not to fix, but to understand.
• Creating shared rituals of connection, not just coexistence.

PAIRS tools like the Daily Temperature Reading and Emptying the Emotional Jug aren’t just for couples therapy. They’re lifesaving practices that give people — especially men — a way to reconnect with themselves and others.

In our groups, we’ve seen men — veterans, dads, grandfathers, teenagers — weep through apologies, share long-buried fears, and rediscover the courage to love again. Not because they became different men — but because they were given a different map.

What Women Deserve — and Men Do, Too

To be clear, Drucker’s original essay wasn’t an attack. It was a reaching out. A plea.

But what the responses show is that the men aren’t gone — they’re often emotionally homeless.

“We’re right here. Waiting to be invited, welcomed, and maybe most importantly, believed in again.” — Joseph W., Seattle, WA

We need to stop viewing emotional connection as something men either have or don’t. Connection is not a character trait — it’s a learned language. And we’ve failed to teach it.

Instead of asking men to return to relationships that feel emotionally unsafe or unforgiving, we need to build a new table altogether — one where emotional honesty isn’t penalized, and where both partners take responsibility for creating a climate of love, trust, and repair.

An Invitation to Relearn Love

The men in the Times letters didn’t defend their absence. They explained it. And many shared a longing to come back — not to the expectations placed on them, but to the chance for something real.

“I want to be close. I want to be known. I just don’t know if there’s room for me to be both vulnerable and enough.” — Sam R., Philadelphia, PA

There is room. But it takes intention — and investment.

At PAIRS, we offer the tools and community to help rebuild what so many have lost: the capacity for intimacy grounded in empathy, respect, and emotional safety.

Let’s stop asking, “Where have all the men gone?”
Instead, let’s ask:
“What kind of connection are we creating — and is it one they feel safe returning to?”

The door is still open. Let’s make sure the light is on.

Seth Eisenberg is President and CEO of the PAIRS Foundation. He is the author of Love That Grows With You, Let It Out, The Road of Happiness Now, and developer of Yodi, the world’s first AI-powered relationship skills coach. Learn more at MyPAIRSCoach.com and PAIRS4Me.com.