Powerful PAIRS Skills Training Delivers Incredible Results for Relationships

PAIRS (Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills) training is designed to help individuals and couples improve their relationships by expanding their perception boxes, explains PAIRS CEO Seth Eisenberg. This concept is about broadening one’s awareness and understanding of their own perceptions and biases, as well as those of others.

“Perception Box is the metaphor we use for our subjective experience of reality,” explains Elizabeth R. Koch, Founder & CEO of Unlikely Collaborators, and whose organization has awarded a grant to support the PAIRS App. 

“Every individual has a Perception Box that, when contracted, distorts our ability to understand one another and to understand ourselves, which can leave us feeling fearful, disconnected, and isolated.” Koch says. “Luckily we can expand our box and invite new, alternative, and diverse perspectives, enabling us to learn from one another and see that beyond our stories, we have so much more in common than we don’t.” 

Here’s how PAIRS training and technology innovations, such as the PAIRS Yodi Relationship Coach, helps achieve this:

1. Self-Awareness and Reflection

PAIRS Exercises and Activities:

• PAIRS training includes specific exercises that encourage participants to reflect on their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. These exercises help individuals become more aware of their own perceptions and how these perceptions influence their interactions.

Mindfulness Practices:

• Incorporating mindfulness practices helps individuals stay present and aware of their immediate thoughts and reactions, promoting a deeper understanding of their inner experiences.

2. Understanding Others

Empathy Building:

• PAIRS training emphasizes the importance of empathy. Through guided activities, individuals learn to step into others’ shoes and see situations from different perspectives.

Active Listening:

• Techniques such as active listening are taught to help participants fully understand and acknowledge the perspectives and feelings of others. This enhances mutual understanding and respect.

3. Communication Skills

Effective Communication Techniques:

• PAIRS provides tools for effective communication, such as “I” statements and structured dialogues. These techniques help participants express their own perceptions clearly and listen to others without judgment.

Feedback and Discussion:

• Role-playing and feedback sessions allow participants to practice communication skills and receive constructive feedback, helping them refine their ability to convey and understand different perceptions.

4. Challenging Assumptions

Cognitive Reframing:

• PAIRS training encourages cognitive reframing, which involves recognizing and challenging negative or limiting assumptions. Participants learn to replace these with more positive and realistic perspectives.

Questioning Exercises:

• Specific exercises prompt individuals to question their assumptions and consider alternative explanations for others’ behaviors, expanding their perception boxes.

5. Emotional Regulation

Managing Emotions:

• Techniques for managing emotions, such as the “Emptying the Emotional Jug” exercise, help participants process their feelings constructively. This reduces emotional reactivity and allows for more thoughtful responses.

Stress Reduction:

• Stress reduction techniques, including relaxation exercises and stress management strategies, help individuals maintain emotional balance, which is crucial for expanding perception.

6. Building Trust and Intimacy

Trust-Building Activities:

• Activities designed to build trust and intimacy encourage participants to be vulnerable and open with each other. This fosters a deeper understanding and appreciation of different perspectives.

Intimacy Exercises:

• Exercises that promote emotional and physical intimacy help couples reconnect and understand each other on a deeper level, expanding their perception of each other’s needs and desires.

7. Continuous Learning and Practice

Ongoing Practice:

• PAIRS training emphasizes the importance of continuous practice. Participants are encouraged to apply the skills and techniques learned in their daily lives, promoting ongoing growth and expansion of their perception boxes.

Supportive Environment:

• The training provides a supportive environment where individuals can share experiences and learn from each other, further broadening their understanding of diverse perspectives.

Expanding Perception Boxes

PAIRS training helps individuals and couples expand their perception boxes by fostering self-awareness, enhancing empathy, teaching effective communication skills, challenging assumptions, and promoting emotional regulation. Through structured exercises, continuous practice, and a supportive learning environment, participants develop a deeper understanding of themselves and others, leading to healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

Perception Box Assumptions that Sabotage Relationships

1. If you loved me, you would know what I think, feel, want, and you would give it to me. Since you don’t, you obviously don’t care. So why should I care for you, or for what you think, feel, say, want or do? So, when you tell me what you want, I won’t be interested. I will be withholding.
2. If you loved me, you would talk to me (or listen to me). You don’t. You don’t love me.
3. If you loved me, you would agree with me. You don’t. You don’t love me.
4. If you loved me, you would want what I want and like what I like. You don’t. You don’t love me.
5. If you loved me, you would not try to change me. You try to change me. You don’t love me (for what I am).
6. If you loved me, you would bring excitement and new experiences into my life. You would plan them and make them happen. You don’t. You must not feel I am worth doing that for. You don’t love me.
7. If you loved me, you would find me attractive. You would tell me so. You would want to be close to me. You don’t. You don’t love me. 
8. If you tell me what you want, I feel controlled or obligated to do what you want. When I feel controlled, I feel weak, inadequate. I cannot give you what you ask for without feeling resentful.
9. If you tell me your feelings, I must do what you want. That would interfere with what I want (think, feel, am doing). So, I don’t want to hear or know your feelings.
10. If I give to you and you don’t acknowledge It, I feel unappreciated. Since what I give you is unappreciated, I will be withholding.
11. If I acknowledge how much you do for me, I feel beholden, burdened, and obligated to do for you. I don’t want to, so I cannot acknowledge what you do. You feel unappreciated. You distance.
12. If we don’t agree, one of us must be wrong. If it is me, that means I am bad, stupid, ignorant or inadequate. So, it can’t be me. I must prove that it is you, so I won’t feel like a failure.
13. If you are more successful, more adequate than I am, I feel diminished and put down. I distance from you.
14. If I tell you how I feel, you will be angry. You will attack me or withhold from me. I am afraid of your anger and your distance. I can’t tell you. I live a lie.
15. If I tell you how I feel, you will be hurt. I can’t stand how I feel when you are hurt. I can’t tell you. I live a lie.
16. If I tell you how I feel, you interrupt, correct, give advice, judge, or dismiss my feelings. I feel betrayed, angry, frustrated. I won’t tell you my feelings. I distance. 
17. If you are in pain, I feel I should be able to fix it. I don’t know how to fix it, so I feel inadequate. I am angry at you for making me feel inadequate. I withdraw from you, blame you, when you are in pain.
18. If I were what I should be, you would be happy. I would be able to solve (fix) everything. Since I can’t, your unhappiness makes me feel inadequate, guilty, angry at you. I distance from you. 
19. If I were what I should be, I would never be weak, tried, inadequate, impotent, afraid… but I am. Therefore, I feel inadequate. I must hide my feelings so you won’t find out how inadequate I really am. I live a lie. 
20. If you were what you should be, you would never be sad, angry, bored, boring, worried, suspicious, tried, loud, sick, selfish, weak, disagreeable, clumsy, controlling, flirtatious, or demanding. You are. I feel cheated, betrayed. I distance from you. 
21. If you were what you should be, I would be happy, successful, popular, attractive, virile, potent, sexy. I’m not. It’s your fault.
22. If I let you get close to me, I fear I will be trapped, engulfed, or smothered. I must keep my distance from you and not allow you to get close.
23. If I let you get close to me, you will find out my secrets, my fears, how inadequate I really am. You won’t love (respect) me. I must keep you at a distance. 
24. If you say you love me, you either don’t know me, want to use me, or are stupid and have poor judgment. I can’t love you.
25. If I let myself get close to you, I will need you. If I am too dependent, need (love) you too much, I will not be able to survive without you. I will lose the ability to be alone, to function on my own. I will become weak. I must avoid closeness. I must distance from you, care less. To be sure I won’t miss (need) you too much when you are gone (die or leave me).
26. If I love you, I will need you. I cannot trust you to be there. Therefore, I cannot (will not) love you.
27. If I love you, I will need you. I do not trust you to stay. I will provoke you, blame you, drive you away so that when you leave, I will know I was right. 
28. If you are distant from me, you don’t love me. Therefore, why should I love you?
29. I believe that: A MAN should never be_____________ (irrational, illogical, weak, passive, sentimental, meek, incompetent, overwhelmed, tearful, wrong… add your own adjectives of imperfection and inadequacy). I believe that: A WOMAN should never be_________ (demanding, selfish, unfeeling, aggressive, critical, too busy, bossy, angry, rational… add your own adjectives of imperfection and inadequacy) If I am these things, I am defective. I must hide, pretend, or wear a mask. If you are these things, you are defective. I feel betrayed. You broke our contract. I am entitled to belittle you, deceive you, withhold from you, distance from you, not love you.
30. I believe that: A WOMAN should never be_________ (demanding, selfish, unfeeling, aggressive, critical, too busy, bossy, angry, rational… add your own adjectives of imperfection and inadequacy) If I am these things, I am defective. I must hide, pretend, or wear a mask. If you are these things, you are defective. I feel betrayed. You broke our contract. I am entitled to belittle you, deceive you, withhold from you, distance from you, not love you.
31. If you criticize me, I feel inadequate. If you compliment me, you are placating or controlling me by saying only what you think I want to hear.
32. If you need me, I feel obligated, pressured, burdened. If you don’t need me, I believe you don’t care.
33. If I tell you what I want and you do what I want, it doesn’t count, because I had to tell you. If I don’t tell you what I want, you don’t do what I want. If you do what I want, but not the way I wanted you to, it doesn’t count. I feel unloved.
34. If I tell you what I want, you won’t do it as you resent feeling controlled. If I don’t tell you what I want, there’s a slim chance you might do it, So I never tell you what I want. After a while I stop even letting myself know what I want. What do I want? I’m confused.
35. If I do what you want, and it’s not what I want to do, I resent it. I believe you will resent it if I do what I want to do, as it’s not what you want to do. So, I never do what I want. I’m miserable. I hate you for making me miserable.
36. If I do what you want, you love me. You only love what I do … not me. I feel like nothing. Therefore, I will do nothing.
37. If I am what you want me to be, I dislike myself. I resent you wanting me to be what I don’t like. If I am myself, you won’t like me. I resent you for not letting me be myself.
38. If you loved me, you would always want me with you. If you want to be alone, it means you don’t want me with you. If you always want me with you, I feel smothered.
39. If you comfort (give to) me, you are more powerful than I am. I will not accept your comfort. If I comfort you, you are comforted. I resent you for being comfortable when I never can be.
40. If I tell you how I feel, you are angry. If I don’t tell you how I feel, you are angry.
41. If I am angry, I cannot tell you, for you would leave, withhold from me, retaliate. I am afraid to be without you. I am a coward. I hate you for making me a coward.
42. If you don’t love me, stay with me, I will die. Therefore, I must cling to you no matter what the price. The more I cling, the more you feel smothered and distance. The more you distance, the more I cling.
43. If I distance from you, I miss what I have with you. I draw closer. If I need you, I am weak. I hate myself for being weak. I resent you for making me weak. I distance. 
44. My commitment to you is too restrictive for me. I wish to change it. I cannot tell you. You would be upset. To see you is to experience my guilt. I will find reasons to be angry with you, so I need not feel guilty. I will provoke you, anger you, drive you away to find a reason to be angry with you… all so I can feel justified in my behavior in breaking my commitment and not feel guilty.