A recent New York Times profile of conservative YouTube host Allie Beth Stuckey shines a spotlight on one of the most influential voices in today’s intersection of faith and politics — especially for young Christian women. Her platform, steeped in evangelical theology and conservative values, doesn’t shy away from provocative statements. But one term in particular caught my attention: “toxic empathy.”
In a conversation with Ross Douthat, Stuckey warns her followers that too much empathy — especially when directed at people whose values or identities diverge from their interpretation of Scripture — can be dangerous. Her concern is that empathy, taken too far, erodes biblical truth and moral clarity.
I respectfully — and passionately — disagree.
The Courage to Feel Doesn’t Threaten Truth
At PAIRS, we define empathy as the capacity to connect with another’s experience without needing to change, fix, or judge it. It doesn’t mean compromising your values. It means creating space for connection — not division — even when you don’t see eye to eye.
Empathy isn’t about endorsing. It’s about understanding.
Labeling empathy as “toxic” when it leads you to consider another person’s suffering is deeply problematic — and, ironically, deeply unbiblical. After all, Jesus didn’t withhold empathy from lepers, tax collectors, or even his accusers. He led with presence, not posture.
What’s Actually Toxic?
What’s toxic is emotional disconnection dressed up as righteousness. It’s telling someone their experience doesn’t count because it makes you uncomfortable. It’s teaching children that feeling too much is a moral flaw. It’s judging someone’s soul without ever listening to their story.
This kind of thinking doesn’t create stronger believers or more faithful families. It creates fear-based conformity. It tells people to bury their pain, shut down their questions, and keep their truths hidden behind a mask of spiritual performance.
And that — from years of working with people in the trenches of real heartbreak — is what breaks relationships, families, and faith apart.
What Happens When Empathy Is Practiced Well
In our work with veterans, parents, teenagers, couples, and faith leaders, we’ve seen how empathy changes lives. Not the soft, sentimental kind — but brave empathy. The kind that shows up. Stays present. Listens without interrupting. And loves without conditions.
- It’s the dad who finally hears why his daughter stopped confiding in him.
- The spouse who learns how to hold space for tears without trying to “solve” them.
- The friend who hears “I’m struggling” and doesn’t immediately respond with “You just need to pray more.”
Empathy is a skill. It’s teachable. It’s repeatable. And it’s life-changing.
Faith and Empathy Aren’t Opposites — They’re Teammates
True empathy strengthens faith because it allows us to love as God loves: without fear. It helps us connect with people in their darkest moments without being swallowed by them. It teaches us to speak truth in love — not as a weapon, but as an invitation to deeper relationship.
And yes, boundaries matter. But if our boundaries block us from compassion, we’re no longer protecting truth — we’re protecting ego.
A Call to Lead with Empathy, Not Fear
The world doesn’t need less empathy. It needs empathy rooted in strength — the kind that knows who it is and can still lean in to who someone else is. We need people of faith who can hold truth and tenderness in the same hand, and say:
“I may not agree with you, but I see your humanity. And that matters.”
If there’s anything toxic in our culture, it’s the rush to dismiss people who don’t fit inside our boxes. It’s fear parading as virtue. It’s spiritual disconnection dressed up in certainty.
Empathy isn’t weakness. It’s the most powerful form of love we can practice. And if we’re brave enough to lead with it — in our homes, communities, and congregations — we just might rediscover the kind of faith that heals.
Seth Eisenberg is President and CEO of the PAIRS Foundation and co-creator of Yodi, the world’s first AI-powered relationship skills coach. He is the author of Love That Grows With You, Let It Out, and The Road of Happiness Now. Learn more at MyPAIRSCoach.com and PAIRS4Me.com.
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