What the Internet Really Needs is Bonding

Lux Alptraum’s New York Times essay, The Internet Needs Sex, is a timely, urgent reflection on the perils of moral panic and government overreach in the digital age. Her concern that sweeping censorship efforts could erase safe, educational, and pleasure-affirming content from the internet is well-founded. But while Alptraum rightly champions the value of sexual self-discovery, what her argument doesn’t fully address is the human need beneath the search for “sex” — the longing for bonding.

The truth is, the internet doesn’t just need sex. It needs connection. It needs intimacy that doesn’t begin and end with a click.

Behind every search for porn or erotica is often a deeper craving: to feel seen, desired, soothed, or even just real in a world that can make us feel like ghosts behind a screen. And while we can’t legislate emotional connection into existence, we can protect and promote tools that help people bond — within themselves, with their partners, and in the communities they love.

At PAIRS Foundation, where we’ve taught evidence-based relationship and intimacy skills for more than three decades, we’ve seen firsthand that people don’t just want sexual pleasure — they want emotional safety, empathy, and the ability to be vulnerable without fear. That kind of closeness requires more than arousal; it demands presence, courage, and often, healing from past hurt.

That’s why conversations about censorship, sex education, and online freedom should include a broader call: teach people how to bond.

Bonding isn’t just about biology — it’s about the human experience of feeling deeply connected to someone else. It’s built through small, powerful moments: “I feel safe with you,” “You matter to me,” “I want to understand what you’re going through.” Without that foundation, sex can become an echo of intimacy — loud but hollow. With it, even the most physically modest relationship can become rich with passion and meaning.

The danger of censoring sex-related content online isn’t just that it limits freedom or pleasure — it can also silence voices trying to guide others toward healthy, loving relationships. And in a time when isolation, loneliness, and anxiety are at record highs, we don’t just need less censorship — we need more courage to talk about what really matters.

We need to empower parents to talk with their children about feelings, boundaries, desires, and respect. We need spaces — online and off — where LGBTQ youth can find affirming, age-appropriate support for the realities of their lives. We need to destigmatize conversations about consent, communication, and emotional risk.

And above all, we need to prioritize the skills that make bonding possible: empathy, self-awareness, emotional expression, and trust-building. These aren’t just the foundations of great sex. They’re the foundations of great humanity.

The Supreme Court’s recent endorsement of online age-verification laws opens the door to new conversations — not just about what we restrict, but about what we invest in. If we want safer, saner, more loving lives for our children and ourselves, it’s not enough to limit access to porn. We must expand access to emotional education and relationship skills.

Because at the heart of every browser window, every swipe, every late-night search for connection, is the same quiet hope: I want to feel close to someone.

The internet needs sex, yes. But more than that, the world needs bonding.