Letting Kids Feel: A New Model for Conscious Parenting

Excerpt from Seth Eisenberg’s New Book Let It Out: Chapter 20 – Parenting with Permission

Seth Eisenberg, a PAIRS Master Trainer and longtime leader of relationship skills workshops, brings decades of experience to his latest book, Let It Out. With a focus on emotional honesty, healing, and connection, Eisenberg offers practical tools for navigating the complexities of modern relationships—especially the vital role of love and permission in parenting.

In this excerpt, Parenting with Permission, Eisenberg shares a deeply personal and universally relevant message: that children thrive when they are free to feel—and when those feelings are met with presence, patience, and love. Whether you’re a parent, educator, or therapist, this chapter offers timeless insights for nurturing emotionally healthy families and communities.

“You don’t have to be a perfect parent. You just have to be a safe one.”

If you’re a parent — or if you’ve ever loved a child —

you’ve probably had this thought at least once:

“I don’t want to pass this down.”

• The shutdown.
• The silence.
• The anger that comes out sideways.
• The grief no one had words for.

You may have even caught yourself in the act — saying what was said to you, reacting how someone once reacted to you — and thought, “Oh no. I swore I wouldn’t become this.”

That moment? That ache?

It’s not proof that you’re failing.

It’s proof that you’re waking up.

And that’s the beginning of change.

The Truth About Inheriting Emotional Patterns

We don’t pass down trauma through genetics alone.

We pass it down:

• Through what we don’t say
• Through how we respond to big emotions
• Through what we model in moments of disconnection

Children don’t learn emotional safety from what we tell them.

They learn it from what we practice when they cry, rage, collapse, or pull away.

They’re not watching for perfection.

They’re watching to see:

“Do you stay with me when I’m hard to love?”

That’s what we’re reclaiming.

Michael and Peter: Breaking the Pattern Gently

Michael wasn’t the emotional one. That was Alex’s role.

But on Saturday afternoon [of our Let It Out weekend retreat], he turned to Peter and said — voice steady, eyes glassy —

“I don’t always know what to do when you’re hurting.

But I want to be someone you don’t have to hide from.”

Peter didn’t say much.

But later, in his journal, he wrote:

“My dad didn’t fix me. He just didn’t leave.”

That’s it.

That’s the shift.

We don’t need to have all the answers.

We need to stay.

Parenting from the Healthy Adult

If you’ve done some of your own emotional work, you’re already ahead of the curve.

But that doesn’t mean you’ll never lose your temper, dissociate, or feel helpless when your child explodes.

The work is not about eliminating those moments.

It’s about being able to return — to the voice of the healthy adult:

• “That wasn’t how I wanted to handle that.”
• “I got scared. I yelled. You didn’t deserve that.”
• “Can we try again?”

You’re not being weak when you say those things.

You’re showing them how to repair.

And that’s one of the greatest gifts you can offer a child.

The Two Messages Kids Need Most

From the Let It Out lens, parenting emotionally means repeating — in action and word — these two truths:

• Your feelings make sense.
• I won’t leave when you’re in them.

That means:

• Making space for tears, not shutting them down
• Naming anger without shaming it
• Letting them see you feel — without collapsing onto them
• Giving comfort even when they push it away

It also means letting them see you repair.

Kids don’t need parents who never make mistakes.

They need parents who can say, “I’m human too. And I’m still here.”

Letting It Out With Your Kids — Not At Them

This is important.

Letting it out doesn’t mean venting your pain onto your child.

It means being authentic with boundaries.

You might say:

• “I’m feeling a lot right now. I’m going to take a breath before we keep talking.
• “That hit a nerve for me — it’s not your fault. I’m just working through something.”
• “I’m sad today. You didn’t cause it, but I wanted you to know.”

You don’t have to hide your humanity.

Just hold it responsibly.

That teaches safety.

And models emotional literacy.

Reparenting Yourself as You Parent Them

Every time your child cries and you don’t shut it down —

You heal a little.

Every time you offer comfort you never received —

You reclaim your voice.

Parenting becomes a form of reparenting.

Not because you get it right.

But because you stay in relationship — with your child and with your own wounded parts.

And sometimes, the most healing thing is saying:

“I wasn’t taught how to do this. But I’m learning.

And I’m not going anywhere.”

Tools for Parenting with Emotional Safety

Here are a few practices to bring home:

The “Feelings Basket”

1. Have a box or basket with feeling words, colors, or emojis.
2. Let your child point to what they’re feeling. Reflect it back.

Emotion Timeout (for You or Them)

Not as punishment — but as pause.

Say, “Let’s take five minutes to breathe or stretch, then come back.”

Storytelling After Conflict

At bedtime, say:

“Today was hard. Here’s what I felt. What did you feel?”

Let them narrate. Don’t correct. Just listen.

Permission Phrases

Keep these handy:

• “I see you.”
• “That makes sense.”
• “I still love you.”
• “Let’s take this slow.”

You’re Allowed to Learn Out Loud

You don’t need to become the perfect emotional parent by next Tuesday.

You just need to become the one who:

• Tells the truth
• Repairs the rupture
• Honors your own emotions
• Makes room for theirs

This work isn’t about raising perfect kids.

It’s about raising kids who don’t have to abandon themselves to stay close to you.

You Can Stop the Cycle — Gently

Right here.

Right now.

In the middle of a messy bedtime or a school pickup meltdown.

You can pause.

Breathe.

Say something new.

You can say:

• “I see you.”
• “You’re allowed to feel.”
• “I’m not leaving.”
• “We’ll get through this — together.”

And maybe — just maybe —

Your child won’t have to wait until adulthood to learn how to let it out.

They’ll already know.

Because they saw you do it — with love.

Let It Out by Seth Eisenberg is available from Amazon. Learn more at www.pairs4me.com.

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