Dear Yenta: Understanding When It’s Time to Move On

Dear Yenta,

I have been married to my husband, “Mark,” for 13 years. During this time, I have realized that marrying him was a mistake. His parents didn’t have a healthy marriage, and I know he doesn’t know what love is. His dad often traveled for work and kept a mistress on the side. My mother-in-law stayed in the marriage anyway.

Mark is very self-centered. I snore. When I do, my husband will wake me up either by a loud noise, plugging my nose, or shaking me. He says he can’t sleep when I snore. I suggested he use earbuds like he does when he listens to music. His ex-wife also said he was difficult to be married to. I am 59 and confident enough to be on my own. Your thoughts?

Sincerely,

Confident and Contemplating

Dear Confident and Contemplating,

Your letter highlights several deep-seated issues in your marriage that have caused you significant distress. It’s clear that you have spent a considerable amount of time reflecting on your relationship with Mark and are contemplating your next steps. Here’s a thoughtful approach to consider as you navigate this challenging situation:

1. Assessing the Core Issues

It seems there are fundamental issues in your marriage stemming from Mark’s upbringing and behavior. His parents’ unhealthy marriage has likely influenced his views on relationships and love. Unfortunately, his actions suggest a lack of empathy and respect for your well-being.

2. The Impact of Mark’s Behavior

Mark’s reactions to your snoring are not just inconsiderate but also indicative of a larger issue of respect and understanding in your marriage. His self-centeredness, as you described, exacerbates these problems. The way he handles your snoring—by waking you up in disruptive ways—demonstrates a lack of concern for your comfort and sleep.

3. Your Well-being and Self-worth

You’ve already shown immense strength and confidence by recognizing these issues and considering your options. Being 59 and confident enough to be on your own is a powerful place to be. It’s essential to prioritize your well-being and mental health. A relationship that consistently diminishes your self-worth and happiness is not sustainable.

4. Exploring Your Options

Given your confidence and the realization that you may be better off on your own, it’s crucial to explore your options. Here are some steps to consider:

• Professional Counseling: Seek the guidance of a professional therapist to help you navigate your emotions and decisions. Therapy can provide clarity and support during this transition.
• Legal Advice: If you decide that separation or divorce is the best path, consult with a legal professional to understand your rights and the implications of this decision.
• Support System: Lean on your friends, family, and support networks. Surrounding yourself with supportive individuals can make a significant difference during this time.

5. Communication and Boundaries

If you choose to address these issues directly with Mark, consider having an open and honest conversation about your feelings and the impact of his behavior. Setting clear boundaries and expressing your needs is essential. However, based on your description, it seems that past attempts to address these issues may not have been fruitful.

6. Making the Decision

Ultimately, the decision to stay or leave rests with you. Reflect on the following questions:

• Can Mark change? Is there a possibility for growth and change in Mark, and is he willing to seek help and work on the relationship?
• Your happiness: Can you see a future where you are happy and fulfilled in this marriage?
• Your independence: Are you ready and prepared to embrace life on your own if that brings you peace and happiness?

Conclusion

Marriage is a partnership that should bring mutual respect, love, and understanding. From your letter, it’s evident that these elements are missing in your relationship with Mark. Your confidence and self-awareness are your strengths as you consider your future. Prioritize your well-being and happiness, and don’t hesitate to seek professional support as you navigate this decision. Whether you choose to stay and work on the marriage or move on to a new chapter in your life, remember that you deserve a relationship where you are valued and respected.

Best of luck,

Yenta

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