10 of the Most Common Marriage Problems Couples Face – And How to Solve Them

From Brides.com

“Love is a feeling. Marriage is a contract. Relationships are work.” ~Lori Heyman Gordon

There’s no way around it: Long-term relationships are hard work—and there will be bumps along the way. Even the best marriages experience ups and downs, but couples that go the distance have one crucial thing in common: They face all challenges together and know that a viable solution always puts their partnership first. It’s the combined unit versus those marital problems, not one person versus the other. “You can’t solve couple problems individually,” says therapist Jocylynn Stephenson. “It almost always fails, because you don’t have the input of the other person.” 

While the specifics of those problems will vary from couple to couple, there’s comfort in knowing that others are likely grappling with some of the same core issues you do. Read on for a look at 10 of the most common marital problems—and our experts’ advice on how to work through them together. 

1. You have communication issues.

A lack of communication between married couples—or any couple, for that matter—can lead to a variety of issues in the relationship, says Dr. Tamika Torres, a psychologist. “This can result in feelings of loneliness, frustration, and dissatisfaction within the marriage,” she says. “Without open and honest communication, misunderstandings can arise, leading to conflict and resentment.” Ultimately, communication is a relationship’s foundation—and when it falters, so do other key components of the partnership. For example, if poor communication remains ongoing, emotional intimacy dwindles, as does your desire to actually address the important issues (which is when small problems turn into big ones). “Eventually, couples struggle to express their needs, feelings, and desires, leading to a sense of emotional disconnection,” adds Dr. Torres.

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The Solution

This is arguably the most important thing you could ever do for your marriage: Establish open and regular communication channels, says Dr. Torres. “Practice active listening to ensure both partners feel heard and understood,” she says. “If communication issues persist, consider seeking professional help, such as couples therapy, to facilitate constructive dialogue and resolution.”

2. You don’t take an interest in each other’s interests.  

It starts with the best of intentions: You want your partner to be independent and pursue their passions, even if you don’t quite understand them. At the same time, you don’t want to overly burden your partner with the things you love that they don’t. While these sentiments come from a good place, they can create distance in a marriage. “If we allow for too much individuality, we end up in silos,” says Stephenson. “Then, we’re just kind of living parallel lives instead of weaving a life together.” This can lead to a loss of intimacy and interconnectedness that’s crucial for a healthy relationship. 

The Solution

Be intentional about getting more involved. You don’t have to make your partner’s hobbies your own or know every detail about the roster history of their favorite football team. But you do need to look for opportunities to share your passions. “Figure out where the two of you can align so you have visibility on each other’s internal lives,” Stephenson explains. If you love figure skating and a particularly exciting competition is coming up, ask your partner to watch it with you. (Knowing the engagement has a distinct beginning and end will help make them more amenable to participating.)

On the flip side, if your partner is an avid cyclist, make time to check in on the pastime. “It can be as simple as saying, ‘Hey, what’s going on for you? Are you going on any big rides soon? Who do you ride with?’” Stephenson says. By actively staying in the know about what’s important to your partner, you validate their interests—and reconfirm your marriage as a place to explore those interests in the process.

How does your relationship stack up. Find out with the free Relationship Pleasure Scale. According to PAIRS Trainer Seth Eisenberg, your answers to six questions can provide a roadmap to greater relationship satisfaction.

What to Do If Your Partner Is Bad With Money

3. Your spending habits are different. 

No surprise here: Money is one of the biggest sources of tension between married couples, particularly when it comes to how to spend it. But all hope is not lost just because one person has a tight hold on their purse strings, while the other enjoys splurging.

In these instances, Stephenson begins counseling by helping couples explore the reasons behind their habits. “A lot of our work as marriage therapists is about helping couples understand one another, so I start with what spending means to each of them,” she says. “Where did you learn how to deal with money? What did you see growing up?” This lays the groundwork for more empathetic conversations about how to approach finances as a unit.

The Solution

Set expectations about how to share. Scrutinizing each other’s every purchase is likely only going to add fuel to the fire, so it’s important to find compromises in this realm. A combination of joint and separate accounts can work wonders, but even then you’ll want a window into your partner’s individual goals, habits, and desires. “Here, we talk about what it looks like to structure your money,” says Stephenson. “What are the big things you want? What are the big things you’re saving for? What does your spending look like on a week-to-week basis?”

It’s also helpful to set clear expectations for how you’ll handle larger financial decisions. Work together to determine what “big” means—maybe it’s a specific amount, maybe it’s a type of investment, such as a new stock or business opportunity—and how you’ll approach those decisions.

There’s no right answer here: Some couples will want to discuss everything beforehand, while others are fine if one person takes the lead, but clues the other in after the fact. Either way, setting explicit guidelines and sticking to them will minimize surprises—which can feel like breaches of trust—down the line. 

Learn to confide about differences with PAIRS Talking Tips. Licensed marriage and family therapist Rachel Marmor PAIRS skills training programs. Learn more at www.purposebuiltfamlies.com/upcoming.

4. You have different feelings about social media.

This marital problem is two-fold. Some duos disagree on what or how much one partner shares on social media; others argue about the amount of time their spouse spends on these apps. “When it comes to married couples, there is a fine line between sharing and oversharing on social media,” confirms Dr. Torres. “In my practice, a common issue that arises from married couples, especially those in their 20s through early 40s, is oversharing on social media and not being present.” 

When intimate details of a relationship or a family’s dynamics are shared with the world, it can lead to discomfort, insecurity, or even feelings of betrayal. “Couples may feel pressured to portray a perfect image of their relationship online, which can lead to a façade of happiness that may not accurately reflect the true dynamics,” notes Dr. Torres, adding that some duos also unfairly measure themselves or their spouses against what they see online. “This can create unrealistic expectations and lead to feelings of inadequacy or dissatisfaction within the relationship.”

Technology is also a distraction. “With the constant accessibility of smartphones, tablets, and other devices, couples may find themselves more engrossed in their screens than in each other,” shares Dr. Torres. “Whether you’re scrolling through posts, the kids are on their iPads, or your husband is on the laptop at the kitchen counter, technology can hinder quality time spent together, leading to feelings of neglect and disconnection.”

The Solution

When it comes to differing feelings about social media, with regards to what you share or how much time you spend on it, start by getting on the same page. “Initiate a discussion about boundaries regarding social media usage and oversharing,” Dr. Torres shared. “Establish clear guidelines, such as designated device-free times or zones, to prioritize quality time together without digital interruptions.”

Conflict doesn’t have to be destructive. Learn the Fair Fight for Change skill with Yodi.

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